Friday, April 24, 2009
The Last Family Photo
It has been years since we took a full family photo. Usually, we either do not coincide with each other or we were too busy entertaining other guests. But last year, we finally got to take a Raya family photo. Unfortunately, none of us realised it was gonna be the last one. The last one with Pak Long in it. I've always see Pak Long as the healthy and hearty man. But going through his latest photos from Raya last year up to the birthday celebration they had for Mardhiyah, I just realised how old and thin he has become. I failed to see that he wasn't what he used to be and because of that, I failed to realise that we have all grown older and our days are all numbered. I thought I had at least another 20 years of Pak Long around, I didn't even get 2 years...
Yes, I have not gotten over the fact that he's no longer here. Forever. That word, forever, seems so hard for me to digest. Everytime I talk about him or think about him, I get very emotional... I am never good with letting go, how do I start now?
Rest well, Pak Long...
Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 12:36 PM
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Unreplaced Loss
Where do I begin? How do I describe the pain for the loss of a loved one, who's gone forever?I think I can't. Maybe no-one can...
I know that he is in a better place now. He is no longer suffering. He went so peacefully and he had a smile on his face. He must be happy. But it's still not easy for any of us. It can never be easy for any of us. Especially so, when he was never conscious, thus no room for final words, goodbyes and forgiveness...
Though he was in ICU for 7 days and the medical team wasn't too positive about his condition from the start, this came too sudden for us. How could it be? This is Pak Long we are talking about. The always-healthy Pak Long. The Pak Long who was always there.. I remember vividly back in 2002 when Ayah was hospitalised for his heart condition, Pak Long was the one who constantly asked about our well-being, always there for our family and most importantly, acting as the father figure we needed at that point of time. So much so, that we didn't feel like our own father wasn't around. He brought us food everyday - whatever that we wanted. He made us feel like there's nothing to worry about. He's our beloved Pak Long. I can still see his face, how he wore his specs, how he teases us and joke about our Dad, how he speaks, his voice... How could this man be no longer here? Forever. As in, really forever. If anything, it was my Dad who was suppose to go first. Bt that's life - unpredictable. It throws you off-course every now and then to keep reminding you to not be complacent. Bt this time, its really hard....
I just can't believe that he's gone. That I'll actually really never ever see him again. Ever. I know he will always live in our heart and memories but the thought of not seeing him for Raya ever, its like.... how could that even be possible?
Everyone has to die someday, bt we always think that that someday is at least 20 years down the road and when everyone is well-prepared for it. Not like this. I've never thought in a million years that he will go first, this young, like this.
I keep trying to remember when was the last time I actually saw him healthy and felt sad when I thought the last was during Tok Aji's kenduri. Coz that was a short-while encounter. He was there for the dibaie and I wasn't feeling too swell as I had just been discharged from the hospital for about 24hrs. I got sad thinking that that was the last I saw him. Until last night while cutting the daun pandan, I just remembered out-of-the-blue that the last time I saw him was during Kak Fati's wedding and he even send me off to my friend's place. I chatted with him and I think I did salam him properly. I am disappointed in myself that I did not visit him before he was hospitalised. In fact, I didn't even know he wasn't well! Bt I consoled myself by telling myself that we (Ayah, Diyana and myself) were the last people he saw before he went unconscious. I remembered how he suddenly went all sebak seeing the three of us in the ICU room and it seems like he was trying to say something. And we told him to just rest and not think of anything. If only I knew that was the last, I'd probably will force him to say something.
Honestly, for the past few years of my life, I've always wondered how will I cope with the death of a loved one. Actually it was in preparation for my Dad and Tok Aji. One is slowing killing himself with the cigarettes and one is just getting too old and fragile. I know that the day will come when they will leave us too. I went around asking people on how do they cope with the death of their parents, they always say its very hard, but you just have to. I wondered how painful it will be. Now I know what they meant...
The last few moments when I saw the heart rate dropped from 115 to 48, I knew that it was gonna be over very soon. One indication is when all of us (almost 40 of us) were allowed to be in the ICU room. That indicates very bad news. I was praying to The One Above for a miracle. Please, please do a u-turn. Take away any of my luxury to cure him. Bt it dropped even further. Before we knew it, the heart rate when 0. He was gone. Just like that. Thankfully, all of us were there - his wife and daughter, his mother, his siblings, his in-laws, most of his nephews and nieces, most of his relatives and most of his closest friends.
He actually looks like he was just sleeping and having a pleasant dream. Seeing him made me emotional all the time. Before he was kapan, the scene was unbearable. The last look and kiss. That was the hardest. And seeing Mak Long and Mardhiyah like that wasn't pleasant either. If I, his niece feels like this, what more his wife and only child? I'd probably faint if I was in their shoes.
Pak Long had a dream of seeing his daughter get married and thus he quickly renovated the whole house. Unfortunately, he didn't even get to see the renovation done nor will see Mardhiyah's big day. He will never know his grandchildren. Thinking about the future that he will miss always makes me so emotional...
When I saw his death cert, I can't believe he has a death cert. The death cert spelled out his name. How could it be his name there? I keep expecting to see him breathing while lying down on his bed - but there wasn't any movements. I keep expecting to suddenly see him stand in front of his house door calling my dad as he always do, bt that didn't happen. No one came out jumping Surprise! Gotcha! Sorry, this was a bad joke! or Lukenabeb! Nothing like that. This is for real. Real. Forever. Why couldn't it be a bad joke? A real bad joke? Bt no, Pak Long is really no more...
Sometimes, I wish I can be like Tok Ne, the ever-brave woman she always have been. She has just lost her first son and yet she was the calmest of all. It was just the same when she lost her husband 20years ago. But the truth is, who knows what she feels inside? Her heart may be torn into pieces, but we will never know. The same goes to my Dad, who still looks all okay and calm eversince the passing on of his only elder brother. I do not want him to bottle this up and breakdown one day, esp so when none of us is around. Thinking about that makes me so worried and scared. I just lost a father figure, i do not want to lose my father. When will he ever understand that...?
Dear Pak Long,
if only you knew how I'd do anything to turn back time and see you again, to give you one last hug, to seek for your forgiveness, to salam you for the last time. I know that you are definitely in a good place and you would want us to be happy and live life. You will always live in our heart and our memories. You are greatly missed Pak Long, greatly missed. There's nothing much left to say coz nothing matters anymore. But I hope you do know that we all love you, very, very much. Our prayers are always with you Pak Long.. We will meet again someday, InsyaAllah... Goodbye Pak Long, I love you...
Al-Fateha to Allahyarham Hj Mansor Bin Hj Ibrahim (16 July 1951 - 21 April 2009)
Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 10:31 PM
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The First Loss
21st April 20091346hr
My prayers will always be with you Pak Long...
Love you...
16 July 1951 - 21 April 2009
Mansor Bin Hj Ibrahim